A day ago, I started writing about something, and then I found myself unable to continue.
One thing I want to say, sharing thoughts and feelings is one of the toughest things a person can do, and probably one of the bravest.
It sure takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there, to show how vulnerable you are, and simply to say, admiting to this fragile nature of being “just a human”.
Recently, I went through again, major changes in life, at least to me, they seem as milestones.
Today I want to write about separation anxiety. I wont go into much psychological diagnosis of this as Im not an expert professional.
As a child with one older sibling, gender and age differences with this family member, I used to look for having friends my age, they were mostly younger , and I was the oldest in my neighborhood, I was always excited to have people at home. I remember how much I would want them to stay, to play endlessly, and as a regular kid, I hated the time when parents decided it’s time to leave.
One thing which I am sure of, was that dealing with these goodbyes caused much sadness, and as I grew up, this never changed. During teenage years, during university time, and till now, at 28 years of age, I love having people around, I love inviting them, and of course opening my house for a night stay so that we can enjoy this time at best , without the childish worry that our parents would say it’s time to go home. Now, it is different, we can stay up as much as we want, have fun as much as we like, and sleepover whenever we feel like. And still the feelings I get when I see that someone started to check their phone, collect their things from my living room table, wearing their jacket and shoes, and saying goodbye, are the same feelings I had as a kid.
Standing at the door, looking at them wear their shoes, and getting myself ready for what comes next, is something I never got used to. The sadness that comes everytime, is the same one I had long long ago, and the thoughts of “why don’t you stay” keep tossing in my head, until I sit down, hold my phone, and start distracting myself. It feels that everytime someone says a simple goodbye is exactly same like an airport departure.
To be honest, I dont understand how others can feel ok with these things, many times I wish I can do the same, to have this carelessness and freedom of leaving and going and coming without worry, sadness or detachment.
It feels like I’ve been saying goodbye most of my life, and I somehow cannot remember the Hellos. At this point, my brain is functioning as an airport lounge of departures. And this makes all kinds of sorrows resurface.
I just said yet another goodbye, to the one person who made this place a bit more like home. A person who shared all the sad and nice moments, who connected to the little kid inside of me, and was able to contain it.
Why do I have these feelings? Why do people generally have a separation anxiety? Why do goodbyes seem easy for some and somehow traumatizing to others?
I will share some of the things I personally think are connected to it. Starting from early childhood when we crave attachment to parents, we still don’t realize the concept of the dimension of space, we think when the parent leaves the room, that they completely left. A bit later in life, when we start going to school, we feel some kind of abandonment, then we adapt, without realizing our feelings, we grow and grow , start dealing with travelling family members, a continuous instability and change in life, time and place, which we don’t even cope with properly. And this just goes as a snowball, until you basically become a person like me, someone who is unable say a simple goodbye at the door.
I have been reading a lot, about coping with the emotions and grieving, over a travelling friend, or family member, a loved one, and same goes for death. It’s a bit funny what I saw, tips and tricks to help you cope with missing someone, put their things infront of you so you feel their presence, connect with them all the time, share moments photos and videos, go to your favorite spots, keep doing some of the activities you did together, don’t do the activities you did together, and the list goes on…
One thing which these articles miss out on, is the human factor of vulnerability. sometimes you simply do all these things , and it’s still not enough. It still does not compensate or solve the anxiety you have, the feelings that are overwhelming, and the loneliness that prevails. Sometimes it is just as simple as this, you just feel happy around certain people, and one question arises at that moment , why can’t I just be happy where I like being happy?
Our human mind is unable to comprehend such overwhelming philosophical questions, which , despite our tries of rationalization, we still cannot find answers to them.
That’s why, in my culture , many times what helps us cope, is the believe in fate and destiny. We condole ourselves with the ideology that this is all happening for a greater cause. This helps us cope with these overwhelming feelings and realities as just a milestone and part of a greater journey rather than believing it is the undesired destination.
It is much easier to say, these separations, sorrows and misery, are just small pieces of a better and happier puzzle.
Faith, keeps people like me, from being totally miserable, and submission, gives a greater power than control. And with this logic, a portion of a feeling of optimism keeps me going and believing that one day, I will simply be happy and I won’t be sad closing the door on someone saying goodbye.
We have a saying back home, ” how hard life can be without a tiny space of hope”. And to many, hope is not an instinct, and for those, faith provides hope. So when you hear the words “inshallah” (if god wills) and “alhamdullilah” (gratitude to God) ,these are words that apart from having religious background, have grown to be cultural terms of expressing gratitude towards tough times, gratitude for the good things, and hope for tomorrow.
To be very honest, I am grateful to have aquired this if not from family, but from my community, as it gave me more strength and resilience than I could have ever cultivated on my own.
For now, I just felt like sharing some bits of shattered feelings, but with a gratitude and hope that things will be better, and for you, my readers, if you ever are suffering, missing someone, feelings completely detached or attached, to a place or a person, to feel a tiny bit of consolence that you are not alone, you are not the only human who feels things a bit more intensely, you are just “human” so fragile to soul fractures and injuries which come from wanting happiness and wanting to remove all obstacles to have it.
Leaving you with an irrelevant picture of just some beautiful christmas lights in Prague which resonated with the gothic beauty.
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