Between a Rainbow & plain Gray..How Change becomes Impossible

Last Dusk of 2021

There is this popular song now in Arab world and it starts by saying “I hate this city, I hate its roads”.

I recently switched my taste in music to have more Derbakke (or Darbuka as you all know it ) based songs as not to feel nostalgic or emotional. This genre is usually more active and optimistic even if the lyrics are sad.

As I previously mentioned in one of my posts, language has great impact on emotions and deffinitely when Arabic turns to songs you can imagine how emotional and full of intensity the lyrics are along with rich instruments used to describe each emotional state. That is why I became more conscious of the songs I listen to as not to feel depressed more than I am.

When I hear this song, my feelings are not even activated. Its like , yes I dont like this city, and I am not enjoying walking on its streets, and I don’t care.

My friend texted me today, she is in Paris, and she just told me I feel nothing, and I imidiately told her, great, your brain immunity is healthy and functioning well. It is protecting you well from sadness. I said I feel the same. And honestly, I am aware that this is just my psychological “vaccine” that is blocking all sad emotions to eventually end up feeling nothing.

I feel nothing listening to sad songs , nothing listening to happy songs, nothing staying home alone, and nothing going out and socializing. And this has made me wonder, what is worth me doing this to myself.

3 years is enough time to make you either happy and satisfied with your life or simply not. However I was not able to put this all together and analyze it as I was much inside myself. My dad once called me and said it so simple, dear, 3 years you are not happy it’s enough time to know its time to move on. He is always right, he always knows what to tell me, when to say it, and honestly, with big life decisions I have always turned to him for guidance as his advice never failed to push me towards success and relief. And this time, somehow I wasn’t listening. I was too much feeling the intensity of change that I never thought of seeking advice on this. Just when I was completely down, he told me one thing that will always resonate : “nothing is worth losing yourself”. And yes, I have lost myself here. And No, it is definitely not worth it. Im sorry Prague, you are nice for few days to look around your buildings, but to have a life, you are so out of the world. And you are definitely not worth me losing myself.

Last summer, I was almost losing my sanity, from all the strange people I’ve seen here, that didn’t resonate at any level to my culture and values, my solution and insulence was a trip back home, and even that, I was not able to do. My close friend,neighbor and colleague, was sitting with me one night, and I told him, do you want to go to Lebanon? He didn’t even think and said yes. He was the one who booked our tickets, and that was my motivation to finally, get some courage and travel back home.

It was the best summer I had so far.

Imagine how stuck we tend to be, making decisions, even while we know that this change will make us happy and good. Somehow we are immune. Well, some people more than others. Change, for a person like me, even for the better, is such a difficult decision to make.

This character somehow was born here in Prague. When I even moved here, it was very spontaneous, I didnt think twice. I actually am not a risk taker but I can be impulsive making life decisions when it comes to my well being. I never hesitated cutting off someone dear to me if they were toxic, never hesitated quiting a job, nor moving outside my country. I do always calculate the risk, and do not mind consequences if this means I will end some toxic cycle in my life. And my blind faith in God has always made me trust the timing of these decisions. Just something changed. In these 3 years, I drastically changed, and booking a ticket to visit home, became so difficult. Going to new restaurant, became difficult. Trying a new dish, walking through new street, changing the series I watch on Netflix, and it goes all the way to daily habits.

To know the reason behind this, I am still unsure. I might be seeking some security, some familiarity, some stability even if it means routine. Or I might have developed a new fear of change after the last change I had which was coming here. Maybe somewhere in the back of my head, my own brain stopped trusting its own decisions. Maybe it is saying something like : ” oh we saw your last decision to move here how unhappy it made you, you are not doing any change again”. I watched friends on rerun around 8 times. And I would have kept watching if they didn’t remove it from Netflix. This shadow of my soul, I am not familiar with, and Im just getting to know it. I keep looking for new things to watch and then I end up being scared that I wouldn’t like it, until I go back to the familiar.same with food, same with my clothes, same with every other thing in my life.

That’s a great recipe to miss out on life.

I don’t explore new countries, I don’t risk on new dishes, new places, new restaurants…

And all the new things I experienced here, whether foods, places, or movies, were decisions actually made by someone accompanying me on that particular moment, and making the decision for me. I somehow ended up trusting others more than myself.

I was planning to go visit my family in Saudi Arabia, as that’s where they are all at the moment. And I have been postponing for so many reasons. First the work, then Vaccine, then the Visa, and now basically, I am not going because “I need to pack my stuff”. I got the Visa, just this time, there is nobody to book the ticket for me. I will have to do it by myself. And it seems to be the most difficult step to make.

I have made some progress though, I am going outside my doorstep. I succeeded twice this week in taking myself out to buy food. And in watching some new movies and series.

I succeeded in obtaining my Visa. Now all I have to do is book a ticket. I know I will feel much better with my family, just a decision to change seems so difficult.

How do you people make decisions? What goes through your mind the moment you try a new place? A new dish? The moment you book a ticket to a new country? Or to simply go to a new spa? How do you make these decisions? What is the emotional motivation behind it? I would love to know. I would love to get a glimpse of what your brain is experiencing at that moment, maybe I could take some new perspective.

How do you tell yourself enough? How you end cycles of sadness, how do you decide to change?

What happens when being happy is not enough of motivation to drive any change?

The funny part is, Lebanese are used to continuous change, nothing is as it is from day to day. I, supposingly am used to this chaos. What happened? Maybe it’s a reaction. Maybe its a new allergy.

Maybe it is just Prague not resonating with me causing this extreme need to be stable, or familiar. It has managed to weird me out to the point that I am clinging to anything familiar, even if its boring and normal.

I will let you know once I finally book my ticket, and how that goes for me. I am collecting the courage to do so.

For the time being, how did I jump from songs to this, I’m not sure. But I thought to share this, many of you would read and feel that change to them is a motivation itself, many would read and resonate with what Im saying. No matter who you are, and how you manage making change, whether you try out a new dish everytime in a restaurant, or keep ordering the same for years, share with us what goes through your mind whenever you do what you do. And keep in mind one thing, no matter how hard change is, “nothing is worth losing yourself”. And for now, this is the only “motivation” which is somehow pushing me, even if very slowly, to do some baby steps and take action to make things better.

May we always find courage to change for the better, and always trust our own decisions.

Leaving you with a picture of “change” from day to night. And how beautiful and colorful this change was.

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