I wanted to write ever since I was a young kid. I was always journaling, writing poems, letters, and short stories to express myself.
This blog was done in a midnight session, after a very critical, nerve wrecking summer. After series of heartbreaks throughout my year, disappointing people, and being let down by friends, and compatriots as well, I went through a long cycle of giving up. After long cycles of toxic years in my life, Last summer, had two main events, the best 2 months so far, and the worst months that followed.
As I look back now, I only feel gods merciful love.
I do not know how I got here, or when, all I can say is I did. I did with the love given to me by many people, the support I received verbally,mentally,financially, psychologically and all the endless hugs. The cups of coffee that followed long car rides, the endless listening provided to me, and the moments of silence shared.
I remember not being able to wake up for days, not being able to shower, to wash my dishes, to clean my flat, not even buy food. I remember crying a lot, and then long period where I couldnt shed a tear, times where I felt severe sadness, and times where I felt nothing at all.
Starting from august last year up until today, I can only look back and see a very long trail behind.
I’ve come a long long way…
Pain, has a very tricky dynamic, it comes and goes bit by bit, we barely notice the weight of it, until one day, it strikes all at once, and drowns us under crashing waves of giving up,surrendering,dispair,uselessness and grief.
Suddenly the world stops. We stop. Time stops. Our entire reality becomes so distorted, that it doesn’t seem so real anymore. And we seize to exist, emotionally, mentally and physically.
This is what we all call depression. Not a disease, nor a syndrome. It is a simple reaction to reality. The astonishment and being taken off guard all the time. The betrayal of people and life, tires our mind and feelings. That is all.
Depression, is a deep realization of the nonsense of reality, of the unfairness,and the disappointments.
I cannot say I fully healed. I have been trying , to let go, forgive and forget, myself and others. Though I have come a long way, I still feel, there are times my mind takes me back to sad incidents, and reminds me to be more careful from people. I have forgiven, but not let go. The feelings we get from situations cannot be easily overcome. The pain leaves its scar, and keeps bleeding whenever touched. But I know one thing for sure, now, I can look back and see it. I am slowly able to see, a bit further and further, how it was.
How I got here, was not done by a big magic wand. How I got here, was not one big aha moment. I got here with very little, extremely consistent tiny gestures of love. I got here with medication, I got here with a trip back home, with an everyday message of ” I don’t know how you are feeling, but if it helps, I am here to go for a walk and a cup of coffee, to talk, or be silent” , with a daily “get ready Im coming to pick you up” a daily hold by the hand to help me get out of my doorstep, a daily “you dont have to wear anything fancy, keep your pijama on, we can still go out for a ride” , some chocolates, some food brought and placed in my fridge, some washing my dishes, some “before we sit, put a batch of your laundry and we can then drink some tea”. Some “get ready we are going to Berlin, you can sleep and eat there , no need to do anything else” , some night rides with music, lots and lots of hugs, lots and lots of shared silence, lots of jokes, lots of ears given, lots of tears dried off my cheeks, gifts and gestures… messages of “i love you so much, you are my best friend”, “you are a lovely person”, “you are a blessing”… lots of covering me in a blanket waiting for me to finally sleep, combing my hair… The endless calls from my dad hearing me cry, listening to my unclear feelings, and the bravery to handle it from abroad, the trips of my mother from another continent just to help me clean my home, cook for me, and reorganize my space. The empathy I received, the acceptance, the understanding, and the unconditional support during my sinusoidal waves of emotions got me where I am today. Today, being able to smile, to laugh, to joke, to enjoy, to shower everyday, put on makeup and a nice outfit, go out, socialize, go shopping, clean my room, and have a new little target.
After a few sessions of therapy, I couldn’t go through with it, it was intense for me, and I didn’t have enough capacity, but one thing I took with me is to learn how to write again. As a way to do that, and a way to get back to what I love, and a way to share and feel useful, this blog was opened.
I can still see tiny gestures of care, when someone of my friends or family immediately reads my post, when someone shares it to their profile or when someone likes the page right after its created and many many other things. In the ” I felt what you were writing about has also passed with me” , “what you wrote took me back home” , ” I teared up while reading…”, “in the line x there is an exta point removr it”, ” you made a typo in …” ..
I have a long way ahead to heal, to mend, to help myself, to love it, care for it, and let it grow. But I am grateful, and blessed, and lucky, that I was and am so much loved, day by day, that now I can say, I see it when I look back, a very long trail, in less than a year, a long trail however, it is behind, and I am looking ahead for the path opening infront of me bringing with it a tiny light.
Where I am now, is of limited to little energy to hear other people problems, limited energy to keep connecting all the time with everyone, my focus is more narrowed, as I need to build strength and regain energy. I hope nobody would feel sad or left out. But this is something I have to do to save myself and then be able to be there for others.
To all those who were there to hold my hand, whether physically present or emotionally from afar, thank you, for being a big blessing in my life.
If you are feeling depressed, or if your loved ones suffer from depression, I hope you can see how tiny things matter, how this is a long journey, how intense feelings vary from sadness, to loneliness, anger and rage, to suddenly nothing. From wanting to talk a lot, scream, and cry, to being completely silent and not having energy to even frown or smile. From sleeping for days to not sleeping at all. From overeating to not eating at all. The phases do not come in a straight line and a chronological order, they go back and forth, up down, they sometimes occur several times and some only once. The only sure thing I can say, don’t forget those tiny gestures. Those little things that matter. Maybe not to you, but to the one in pain. Please know that a person with depression cannot take a decision, even in the tiniest of things, and even if they do, it might be completely irrational. Please keep an understanding and an open heart, and open arms, to take in someones aggressive words, passive behavior, and sad tears. Please keep those cups of tea and coffee, even if they do not want them. This is what healing is about. And a promise I make to you depressed person, it might be overwhelming now, it might be even scary the numbness you feel, your carelessness scares you, the tiredness that does not go away no matter how much you sleep, the pills you keep taking that do nothing for you, and demons in your head will tell you, you are not loved, maybe loved, but not enough, nobody knows what you are going through, nobody will understand, your life is so tiring and miserable, they might even be bold enough to tell you hey you should not be living. Believe me, “this too, shall pass”, the only thing you have to do, is say, I cannot anymore. Get a doctor’s help if needed, tell your friends, your family, get away from work, give yourself a chance to be properly depressed . You are not irrational, you are not crazy, you are not all over the place, you are not too much, you just feel sad because sad things happened to you. This completely makes sense! I promise you, you will wake up one day, and look back, just like me, and see a long trail behind, not knowing how or when it happened, only with time. Allow yourself the right of “time”. If you are a believer, keep praying, even if it seems useless at many times, if you are not, meditate, into nothing or something, or even dont. Just allow yourself the right to be fully depressed.
Do not underestimate the power of a gratitude journal infront of you, open, all the time, where you sit, and write down, anytime you have an achievement, “today I washed my laundry”,” today I took a shower”, today “I slept 20 minutes earlier than yesterday”, “today i woke up 1 hour earlier”, “today I cried”, “today I stepped outside my door”…
I will end my post today by saying, the strongest I have ever done, was admitting my own weakness.
More to come on this…
Leaving with the first picture I took, the day the journey downhill started.