I’ve been in Lebanon for a while, and my presence here triggered another series of self reflections.
What I first realized is how much change I’ve experienced. I see some differences between me and others, that’s deffinitely normal, but the biggest difference I see is between me and myself.
Being here for a while has allowed me to notice how my perceptions shifted, and how many emotional changes I’ve undergone without even noticing.
Personal development and inner change are not clear paths, it’s only like a hike, where you look back and realize you have walked a lot indeed.
I cant put my hand on a certain moment when I felt “ok”. I can only highlight one major moment , 2 years ago , when my thoughts started being overwhelming, and the actual thoughts of death seemed logical and rational, the moment I said to myself, something is wrong with you don’t listen to this bullshit, one main moment I recall, is the one I reached out to my doctor for help.
You only own the beginning. You dont own the end, and cannot guarantee anything. Nobody can give you a warranty that all will be “linearly” ok. But one thing I can assure you my fellow buddy in the dark, you do own this very moment. Not the past to regret, nor the future to fear from, but the current moment, where you read blogs and articles on self help, and realize that moment, that something is wrong , and this is not the “real” you which only you is familiar with, thats what you own!
Forget all that motivational nonsense, you haven’t reached depression out of the blue, but somehow ended in the blues. Your pain, is real, is genuine, has its conscious and subconscious reasons, and it has all the right to be there.
Is this pain annoying? Yes. Has it been a long time that you already identify yourself as someone who is dark and down? Maybe. Does it cause anger to see yourself in this way? Maybe. Maybe you dont even care , because , why? Life is ending anyways, what’s the difference if happy or sad.
Believe me my blue reader,its not the real you, its a you that has reflected all the ugliness of the world, to protect the real genuine you from becoming a total asshole.
This post is the first small step towards sharing more on the healing process rather than the pain itself.
So now you read the last phrase and say oh, she healed thats amazing there is hope. No , I didn’t. You can’t recover from heartbreaks, loneliness, betrayal, and disappointments. You cant recover from regret, shame or self blame. What you can actually learn, is empathy towards yourself, accepting pain as part of your eventful life. What you can learn is that you too deserve love, even if receiving care and compassion is the most difficult thing to do for you, and the most scary of all.
This big blue monster, will become your tiny blue friend, and you will learn to add more colors, and cope with the importance of the blue as part of who you once were.
To be continued.