My day started, kind of normally. There was a hiking event and I was super excited to go and walk. The excitement went on, until 30 minutes before going outside the house.
I suddenly felt heaviness in my knees, and a tight grip in my chest that prevented me to breath smoothly.
This is not a strange feeling for me, the physical symptoms of my blue friend change over time but these two mainly accompanied me almost everyday.
It is hard to explain, what suddenly happens. As it appears to be “sudden” to the outside world, maybe even to me a bit. However I knew for a fact that this was a mild reaction to the intensity of my feelings in the past few weeks.
I was able to find enough “motivation” to drive my cousin and that was one of the many great achievements of my therapy. I now can actually step outside the house even during an episode.
The only thing that kept me going was that I knew I could come back to an empty house where I could cry myself out and then sleep these empty emotions away.
I was asked what happened,but couldnt find the exact words to describe. As nothing was as big as this : All I knew, is that I felt lonely. A state of mind, which again, caused a lot of “not so constructive” thoughts. I can recall thinking that everyone is living their own life, including everyone who is close to me. They were around their own people, friends, family, daily activities, while I was sitting feeling a big hole in my chest.
The loneliness, comes from sensing all these intense vivid feelings, yet finding no other person around living or understanding them. As everyone was yet again, busy with their life. And again, I found the concept of time stopping, while I sat back, and watched my own self, going up and down in this experience , not being able to give her any solution.
Within this storm, thoughts of me going back to prague, and “being” alone there, made more sense, than being here, and “feeling” alone here. Another escape mechanism I found my brain using against me, in an attempt to cope with its own reality.
Glimpses of myself came back, I opened my old diary, and found writings from 12 years ago, others from 6 years, and saw a pattern of an extreme inability to love myself. A lot of blame, self hate, hurtful words I addressed to myself. And at that moment I felt sad, but relieved. It was never Prague, or the place. It has been me all along. A fact I knew a long time ago, but one which I FELT and brought to life for the first time ever.
I was never escaping Prague, but rather escaping home, and myself. A maze which would have only one exit route : confrontation.
More to describe on this day. But here is the bottom line, if you too have a blue friend, that keeps you company, you will keep going through cycles of different emotions, some of which make sense some not. But they will be there, and that’s okay, and its okay if the episodes come suddenly and put you to sleep, even after so much time of care and inner peace. They will haunt you until you hunt them down one way or another.
Keep going, keep watching, keep falling, keep feeling, keep letting in the pain, the sudden physical weakness, keep accepting and forgiving your inner child.
Leaving you with today’s beauty, not just as a sunset, but the eyes and soul which saw so much color and tranquility were needed to chear me up 💜
Apparently, and obviously, so much more to come…