Im sure you have read or heard somewhere that healing from depression doesnt go like healing from a broken arm. It doesnt get better with time, it doesn’t mend and doesn’t recover. It does not take a straight path.
It gets better with the intention of healing, with the right tools, the right Resources, the right people and support.
Time on its own, if anything , can only make it worse, much worse.
As my healing journey so far has took 2 years, and still has quiet a road for sure, some things I expected to experience, some I didn’t at all.
Here are some Things I expected:
1-CBT would work
2- Medication would help and also would not help
3-I need to be patient
4- alternating emotions
5-nothing is going to fix me
6-I’ll always feel sad
Things I didn’t expect
1- Hating and mistrusting my therapist
2- Changing therapists till I find the right one
3- the real impact of the right medication and how essential it is.
4- how healthy can feeling angry be.
5- the shift in physical energy and being able to move more.
6- developing a fear of crying to avoid going back to a depression episode
7- having sudden physical symptoms like weak knees and heavy breathing even when im happy and doing well
8-moments of inner peace as a result of both SSRIs and CBT sessions.
9- hating the medication and fearing to take it
10- recurring feelings of loneliness and solitude
What I’m trying to say, is im in my bed at 3 a.m. not being able to cry , relax, think, or feel. All feelings and thoughts have intertwined to form a perfect state of anxiety/nothingness again.
But the different thing this time, is that I am walking through the fire, with least amount of burns. It cannot drown me anymore, it cannot stop me from performing daily simple tasks, it cannot take me back to the dark alleys ,it can only take me to where the sun is setting, the moments where light is being replaced by darkness but still looking amazing and colorful.
If you are reading this, most probably you yourself are suffering from depression, or someone who matters to you is. Whatever the reason is, the wish to know more and get better is what you are seeking with the small article. And that, even if it seems very trivial, it is not. The intention is set, and what is left now is time and atomic actions.
I did not expect to fear crying after being the number one cry baby for the past few years. I didnt expect developing such a fear for such a reason, but that is okay, it is indeed a small part of a bigger journey.
Leaving you with a picture of a beautiful sunset with all the sad and happy colors.