Its like the past 15 times where I try to write and fail. Its not the words that are failing me, its the constant trials to get in touch with myself that are failing.
Im home. But it doesn’t feel like home.
And probably home is a continuous feeling we are all looking for. Im not sure. Maybe other people do feel “home”.
Recently I’ve stopped my medication, and I’ve been like that for 4.5 months. It is scary because I dont know what that means. I can’t distinguish what is caused by current situations and what is there remaining from my blue friend.
I’ve experienced few anxiety episodes. Some of which were expected and justified, some not.
I’ve also experienced the return of some of my dark careless thoughts. But this time what changed was that I was able to fight them back. After a year and half of CBT sessions, I can now say NO to my own brain, not all the time, but at least in critical matters; those that impact my survival, my existence, and my ability to perform day to day life tasks.
It hasnt been easy. If anything it is getting harder now. Integrating in real life wasnt easy as I thought it would be. Integrating back into my own community hasnt been easy. And applying the concepts of healing, is the toughest of all.
I have to now, learn to accept love, to reciprocate and let it sink in. I have to accept helping hands after long long times of counting only on 2. I have to accept that I have a place to go to when Im sad or down, even when the first reaction my brain has is to run to my bed and stay there do nothing, maybe even go back to Prague and live in that grayness and lack of life. The toughest part, is accepting healing and letting it enter my life, and learning that all is ok, and there is no need to be in defense mode or self protection all the time.
The toughest part is not knowing how well I’m doing, or even how bad. Is my nervous system ready for day to day pressures? Or will it suddenly fail me again like it did before. All are questions that come to mind, if not once, maybe twice and maybe all day. Depending on what had occurred on that day and how my responses are.
Prague, what used to be my death bed, became now my escape mechanism. And maybe that’s what it was from the beginning, I just didn’t realize it back then. Im fighting my own thoughts, my urges to run for what I consider as safety and comfort. I am fighting myself for myself, because I know she needs me now.
More to come. Right now all I can say, is if you are experiencing changes in your life, that do seem positive, it is normal to have fear, to have second thoughts, to want to run away, it is normal to be overwhelmed and weak. Keep in mind you are not, wanting to be well is the greatest battle you will ever go through.
Leaving you with a picture of some parts of well.