There has been a trend in the past few years to discuss love languages as derived from Gary Chapman’s book. According to his book, there are 5 main love languages :
Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time and Physical Touch.
Being someone who has always believed in the famous “lead by example” , I’ve always treated others around me the way I had hoped to be treated. However, this always came out with disappointment. Acknowledging my own short comings, I do realize sometime I come out as someone who is too this or too that.
I don’t believe I am too much of anything though. But this has been planted in my head for years. You are too sensitive, you are too emotional, you are too tough, too much of everything. And with that, my view to myself started changing. And I actually believed for quiet some time, that Im a burden, even to my close ones. This caused endless cycles of sadness, and feeling deep loneliness. As I was the “outsider” who was too much for everyone around.
As I mature, heal and learn more on myself and others. I simply realized, there is no such thing as “being” too much. You can act in certain extreme ways, and display certain behavioral patterns which can be adjusted with the right tools and time. But you can’t exist by identity as someone who is ” a lot”.
There is only a circle of people around who lack the basic emotional intelligence or sometimes even interest to be able to provide what is needed or to comprehend what you are trying to say within your own actions.
And so, No! I am the mere basic version of myself. And to my eyes, this is who I am. And for those who are not able to give enough love, enough care, or enough understanding, yes I am too much. But it’s just the relativity speaking.
For those who have capacity to open up, they simply plainly love me.
I always tried to give the “love” I thought is right in my eyes. And for that, I realized I am giving out what Im lacking. And by being who I am, I am demonstrating what I need.
It is those times that I bring someone a tea bag they love, that I subconsciously say, I need to be remembered with my favorite coffee too. It is those times I buy someone a plant, that I say, I need an aspect of life to be remembered by too.
In modern psychology, they are telling us to learn to love ourselves in all the ways other people cant. Who said I dont do all that stuff for myself? All those tiny actions of love. But indeed, it holds great value for us, to feel remembered, thought of, and loved by people around. And those tiny teabags , hold 10x more value when given by someone else. It is our basic survival instinct that wants to fit in.
As I grew up, I learned how to expand my ways of ” loving” ; mainly love with words and physical touch. Two things which I had a huge gap in. Almost, aspects which were non existent. I used to throw my words as they are, as tough and brutal as they can be, with the conviction that my intentions matter more. Until I started realizing the permanent damage I am making to those I mostly care about.
I was incapable of simply hugging someone for no reason, or using the words I love you. My love was shown through action. But I learned, that wasnt always enough.
To demonstrate care and love, is to build a balanced and consistent system of the whole 5 pillars of love. Words, hugs, gifts,time and practical care need to all come together to form a whole emotion. I realized, that having one language was like having a chunk of an emotion. I realized that gifts matter, but when they are accompanied with continuous affirmations. I learned to say things like :” Im proud of you, I am grateful for you, you look great today and thank you ” more often. I realized that random hugs, and carrasing someones hand or head, release stress relieving hormones and bring healing and peace to their body.
And so, to say we really love and care for someone, is to master the art of the 5 languages.
It is difficult to practice this with parents and direct family members, as the bond we built with them took quiet some time and has been formed over course of years. But it can be adjusted and improved with mutual effort.
And now think for a moment, what love language are you incapable of speaking? And what language do you speak most? Is it the one you are much in need of? Or is it simply what you were taught to use since early age.
Take a deeper look within, then around.
Think of all the times you felt “unloved” and of the times you yourself were misunderstood for being cold , and then ask yourself why. With that, set up your system of 5 pillars, you cant rely on one or two, if one fails for some reason, your message of love will fail to be delivered.
To be continued…
Leaving you with today’s combination of beautiful loving elements.