Healing Journey : Resurfacing Fears.
Its like the past 15 times where I try to write and fail. Its not the words that are failing me, its the constant trials to get in touch with myself that are failing. Im home. But it doesn’t feel like home. And probably home is a continuous feeling we…
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Depression & Healing – Alternating Phases.
Here I am out of hundreds of times, not being able to write fluently. It seems to me that my most beloved breathing space is vanishing and closing away my last door of light. I’ll tell myself it’s okay, eventhough it is really not. For the past 2 years now,…
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Unexpected Reprecussions of Healing: the development of new fears
Im sure you have read or heard somewhere that healing from depression doesnt go like healing from a broken arm. It doesnt get better with time, it doesn’t mend and doesn’t recover. It does not take a straight path. It gets better with the intention of healing, with the right…
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The Physical Colors of Depression.Unorganized Cycles.
My day started, kind of normally. There was a hiking event and I was super excited to go and walk. The excitement went on, until 30 minutes before going outside the house. I suddenly felt heaviness in my knees, and a tight grip in my chest that prevented me to…
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Healing processes: Realizing the nonexisting progress..
I’ve been in Lebanon for a while, and my presence here triggered another series of self reflections. What I first realized is how much change I’ve experienced. I see some differences between me and others, that’s deffinitely normal, but the biggest difference I see is between me and myself. Being…
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It Matters.
It’s been a while again I know. Im still trying to pick up my pieces and this means sometimes not wanting to confront thoughts or feelings. Today Im writing, on the small things again. I previously mentioned this topic in one of my posts. But I decided, I want to…
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Depression Rollercoaster.
Still trying to figure out what my feelings are trying to say. I’ve been detached from reality for 3 weeks now. It is rather interesting how the brain can control all these emotions. Being on SSRIs has helped for sure in the past 6 months to gain back a little…
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Jihad:”To exert effort and strive to reach an aim”
Most people are aware of the term Jihad in an Islamic context (by far, only “negative” context actually, as portrayed by the media) keeping in mind we are not a muslim family. The word simply meaning willpower or striving. Jihad, does not only have one way. It has much more…
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It’s all in the little things.
I came over the weekend to visit my family in Slovakia.or as it is called, Slovensko. I prefer to call things the way they are whenever possible rather than adapt things that should maintain their authenticity. I would add to that Im really happy we started calling Turkey Turkiye, as…
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Levant Earthquake. Between gratitude and guilt..
It was 2:20 a.m in prague, scrolling through facebook I see : “urgent news, earthquake hits Lebanon, Syria and Turkey”. I immediately call my 18 year old cousin, ” me and dad are up, Im not sure if I should wake the others up or not, we’ll wait and see”.…
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The Coin Identity in partnerships and friendships-part 1.
My friend had a half middle eastern half czech wife. I wont specify the nationality as our community is small and people of this mix are somehow limited and known. What he once mentioned to me was : ” I had to get to know when she is an arab…
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Tired from being Lebanese!
Its 2 30 am in Prague, 3:30 a.m in Beirut. I pickup the phone send a text to my cousin : ” is everyone ok?” everywhere on the news, URGENT : an earthquake hit Lebanon, Syria and Turkey. I remember the last strong earthquake was in the 90s, I was…
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I’ll Love you. Always.
I sat on my couch, 3 a.m. having random chats with my flatmates with arabic music in the background, the light sounds of oriental violin and darbouka, the smell of double apple smoke, a residue of the Oud incense still in the air and the street lights outside, a nostalgia…
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The Purple Bohemian Dilemma.
It’s been a while since I wrote. As usual, my thoughts go through drought periods. Or maybe sometimes I just enjoy the solitude of my own mind and I avoid having any visitors there. This Christmas, as quarantine was no longer an obstacle, I decided to go to Slovakia and…
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2022 Farewell💙💜🤍
2022 was one of the most uncomfortable years for me. Thank you! I chose to keep some people there and make them part of my past. Some people came into my life and added a nice new flavor , others were always there and will continue to be. Thank you…
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املأ الفراغ بالكلمة المناسبة.. “الأنا”.
بقعد بالايام والساعات بصفن ، وبفكر ليش هالقد عم فكر. وبشو عم فكر. عقلي، الي مسؤول عن هالعمليات الحسابية الدقيقة ، ومسؤول عن طرح هيدا الكم الهائل من الاسئلة فعليا خارج نطاق التغطية. بصراحة ، كل يوم بكون منيحة فيه، بيجي مقابيلو ايام، بكون فيها مش منيحة. ليش مش منيحة؟…
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Story of an HR Career with quarter life crisis.
I’ve been struggling to find my place in this world! I grew up to a family of Engineers. Seeing how my father was passionate about his work made me know that I should love what I do. My dad is an HVAC Mechanical Engineer, I used to go with him…
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ال٢٩ صفحة من كتابي.انا وحساسيتي.
اليوم متل كل اول ايلول من كل سنة.طويت صفحة تانية. وفتحت “سطر” جديد.الصفحة ، لما تكون موجودة، رح تعرف حدودها، ومقاييسها.وانا بكل هالكتاب ،كل الي بملكو هو قلمي.. حتى صفحتي مش ملكي ولا قادرة شوف حدودها. كل صفحة عم تكلفني سنة. وكل سنة عم تكلفني غير الي قبلها. وبالآخر ،…
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Us & Familiarity
A little bit of sadness is how i feel, with a little bit of anger, a bit more on the disappointment, and a bit of “take me back home”. The struggle of trying to find myself the right place, the struggle of realizing, that what used to be, is no…
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Short Sunset Story
A wise man told me a funny story about sunsets. “The sun is the sun, it setting is it setting” “everywhere on Earth, it is the same sun”His eyes saw a different truth than mine.its the mercy given to us to go wandering about the Earth, and have the same…
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Creating Change with Simple Actions..Prague behind new eyes.
Here I am again, starting to write one day, and then not being able to express. And that’s okay. Sometimes emotions and thoughts cannot be translated. But here I am today, trying to write again. I was reading recently, on how to create change and motivation in your life. Some…
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Realizing milestones and Self Appreciation.
You know what is really hard to do? Realize your self worth. Love yourself. Care and protect yourself. These are some tough things. The more I learn, the more I realize I know nothing, the more I am eager to learn new things and the more scared I get that…
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Self Healing Memos-Accepting Change
I was reading recently how breakups and separation can cause physical pain equivalent to a broken arm. It is no lie that when we grieve, or separate from someone, or a place we love, we feel a heavy burden, and the symptoms that we experience are much similar to withdrawal…
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Self Healing Memos- Sharing Love with Others
I started a new job last month. And one thing which I have to stop and appreciate, is the blessing of having a really nice colleague. We dont go around finding nice coworker everywhere, who take us in, train us, give us all they can give. To him, explaining the…
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Short Self Healing Memos-Personal Relationships
After a disappointment from any close person , a storm of hatred, disgust and a little of self blame passes. The self talk: Eventually, I know I will let go and forgive,because Im a good person, & it is the least of what I owe to myself ; inner peace.…
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If you procrastinate, get overwhelmed from small things, this is helpful to know…
This is my second month in CBT, or cognitive behavioral therapy, and I am learning so much about myself on day to day basis. Thanks to my therapist who is very keen on delivering her message as a therapist, and explaining in detail what I need to know. Last week,…
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A bit on self love
Hey there readers. As I was sharing always my true and honest experiences, feelings, and lessons. My therapist asked :” when was the last time you remember loving youself?” Yes indeed, it was hard to answer! Today I am writing about self love. One form of self love, is self…
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مجتمع الصلوات…
ها انتم تدعون للميت ان يؤنس الله وحدته في قبره، وتتركون الحي يموت ببطء في وحدته فما دينكم؟ ما الدين الذي تتبعونه، تقرأون وترددون وتحفظون الكلمات. ومن ثم تديرون ظهوركم على من احببتم واحبكم. ما دينكم، تتركون اصدقائكم واقاربكم في معاناة مستمرة مع مشقات الحياة. وثم ترددون بعض الكلمات في…
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باللبناني المشبرح…رسالة شخص لبناني ع بالو يحكي.
الحكي باللبناني. لا فصحى،ولا قواعد، ولا اعراب. ولا فعولن مفاعيلن بيسألونا ليش منحب لبنان هالقد. بيرجعوا بيسألونا ما زال بتحبوا ليش فليتوا منو. يتبعه سؤال لو بتحبوه ليش هيك عملتوا فيه. وبتصير تجيك سلسلة من اسئلة التشكيك والاستجواببعدين بتسمعلك وحدية : انا كمان بحب بلدي وبشتقلو معليشرح وقفك هون وقلك…
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How we love.
Since we can remember humanity’s existence, we can see how love has impacted every single aspect of our history. From simple art, to devastating wars. It is against human nature to say : forget about love. It is what we are made of, and the reason we keep existing, and…
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سلسلة اعتذارات..
لعلّ كتاباتي غمرها جو من الحزن في الفترات الاخيرة من حياتي. لعل احاديثي تسودها هالة من السواد، وربما اصبح الكثيرون يستثقِلون جَلَساتي. فطاقتي اختلفت. وأنا لم أعُد أعرفني لم أعُد أعرفني وأصبحت الناس في حياتي تذكرني بقطعٍ من نفسي. قطعٍ ضائعةٍ مني اشتقت ان التمسها فيّ عندما زرت لبنان في…
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The Unseen Postulates
I recently moved to a new flat. After 3 months of travelling, coming back to a strange city and a strange house, seems to be overwhelming.The nice thing though, is my bed has a very nice view, where I can allow the nostalgia to go and wander as it wishes.…
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Life behind expectations
It has been a while since I wrote. Many thoughts, not enough inspiration to align them. This time though, it’s expectations… How many times have u heard or said, “don’t expect from me”? Expectations are thoughts we get according to certain given events, facts and actions around us. Asking this,…
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A simple drive…
I start typing and then I stop. Three, four times. Then I pick up the phone again. And I start a new draft. And thats the mind of a troubled human. It goes back and forth. Stops.starts again. I am in the farthest point I have ever been from home.…
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A long Journey with so called Depression.
I wanted to write ever since I was a young kid. I was always journaling, writing poems, letters, and short stories to express myself. This blog was done in a midnight session, after a very critical, nerve wrecking summer. After series of heartbreaks throughout my year, disappointing people, and being…
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A Collection of Random reflections.
First, let me start by celebrating the peace and love shared during the holy month of Ramadan. It is truly beautiful to see so much devotion to giving throughout this month… Moving on.. 1. On Pain: An easy thing to do, is hurt others. And what is easier, is justifying…
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The Distorted Images of Love.
This time Im starting with a simple question. What is Love. Being traumatized or manipulated by someone, eventually causes lack of trust. And when we lose trust in our close circle, we lose trust in our own self as well. And that opens up a pandora box of endless doubt…
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Survivors of a different kind…
As I get in touch with people, and see how they all differ. I can only see the beauty of the people around me, and how thankful I am and lucky to have people who love me, people who encourage me, who hold me when I’m down and pick me…
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Which Road to take?
It sure happened to you many times that someone asked what do you want to eat, and you simply couldn’t decide! How do we make decisions? Its very easy when you are asked, do you like the beach or the mountain, the summer or the winter, purple or blue. We…
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The Art of Moving On…
Far away from all the world news about war. From all the chaos taking over this earth. I am here , about to clean up my own mess. I started this blog with much attachment to the past, because it hurt, and what hurts, keeps reminding us that it hurts.…
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Between what’s written and what’s not. HR and Human ethics.
Another post related to the work place and far from homesickness or travel. “Nat, you take some things too seriously..” is what I keep hearing. One thing I want to say to all my beloved people who tell me this : I respect the pain I have been through enough…
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حياة الفطريات في الشرق الاوسط.. هوية لبنانية مغتربة في بلادها ومغرّبة في بقاع الارض.
عزيزي القارئ، هذا المحتوى لن يعجبك فهو لا يعجبني أنا ايضا. بل يؤلمني ويجعلني اكتب الساعة ٣ فجرا بدلا من النوم اليوم قررت ان استعمل حروف لغتي. قررت ان استعمل العبارات بجذورها، والكلمات التي كونت شخصية وطبعة مجتمعي وحياتي.يجدر القول بأنني لم استعمل الفصحى منذ زمن وهذا يخيفني قليلا لانني…
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Between a Rainbow & plain Gray..How Change becomes Impossible
There is this popular song now in Arab world and it starts by saying “I hate this city, I hate its roads”. I recently switched my taste in music to have more Derbakke (or Darbuka as you all know it ) based songs as not to feel nostalgic or emotional.…
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Memoires of a Roasted Marshmallow..The Burning Change…
It was 2016 when I first heard someone telling me that Im a marshmallow. It was my colleague who later on became one of the dearest closest friends to my heart. Before you continue, you will need a cup of coffee, a cigarette, and lots of contemplating energy, you are…
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Im only perfect from 9 till 5. After that, I become Human.. Modern workplace issues & “The Ripple Effect”
Ever wished for perfection? Ever wondered why nothing is perfect? Ever thought that perfect, structured, standard things become routine and boring. Ever wonder why? Why us humans seek perfection not knowing what it actually means. Ever thought how your right side is different from the left side, and that specific…
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The calm before the Storm..Life between the real and the unreal.
I pick up my phone to start writing, for the past week, everytime my thoughts stop. It’s amazing how much a person could have inside and then be unable to express. Thinking about where can I start, what do I write, what will change if I do? I pick up…
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Separation and Faith…Simple thoughts of a Fragile Human.
A day ago, I started writing about something, and then I found myself unable to continue. One thing I want to say, sharing thoughts and feelings is one of the toughest things a person can do, and probably one of the bravest. It sure takes a lot of courage to…
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A Hidden Purple Curse..
Few days ago was my 3 year anniversary to the “Big Move”. You can already guess that I celebrated the memory of, well nothing. My brain has been foggy recently and so, I couldn’t write eventhough if I expose my brain then you would find thousands of endless things to…
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Adult Bullying and Toxicity.. Learning to Identify “Bullshitters”..
Today I decided to take the conversation to something that is of real importance to me , adult bullying. The reason why I am writing about this , is because of some small recent incidents where I was excluded and very discretely “bullied”. It was easy for us to identify…
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from Old to New…a Home Away from Home…
I know my blog is more patriotic by title,but today I decided to skip to a topic that touches the heart too but in different ways. Talking about Prague and its magic, I do believe that this place with all its gothic beauty, it has sworn to bring out all…
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The Bermuda of everything & nothing… Senses of a numb Soul..
I could not write for a while, eventhough I have much to write yet nothing at the same time. Here we go again to continue about the nothing and the everything all at once. At the moment, Lebanon has an oath to hurt me and probably every other Lebanese living…
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The Nature of Nest & the Big “Hit”… Moments of deep Realizations.
Lebanon, is just a very tiny country on the map. And within this little country, Big things are manifested. I have to say, I always feel the bias when it comes to my home. I’ve known and seen all of its shortcomings, the failures and the greatest pains, and with…
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Fly Attempt Failed!
In my previous post, I was mentioning how the first try outside the nest was like. My inner conversation was like this : hey!! I thought travelling was all about exploring new place and enjoying the adventure…. what is this now you’re saying??I even miss the sun back home? Wait…
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The first attempt outside the nest…
I moved to Prague 3 years ago. And the person I used to know to be myself , stopped being with me. That still yet to be defined identity, decided to stay home… I used to think that I am capable to adapt as any other human being can. but…
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