مجتمع الصلوات…

ها انتم تدعون للميت ان يؤنس الله وحدته في قبره، وتتركون الحي يموت ببطء في وحدته

فما دينكم؟

ما الدين الذي تتبعونه، تقرأون وترددون وتحفظون الكلمات. ومن ثم تديرون ظهوركم على من احببتم واحبكم. ما دينكم، تتركون اصدقائكم واقاربكم في معاناة مستمرة مع مشقات الحياة. وثم ترددون بعض الكلمات في محاولة ان تطهروا انفسكم من قذارة نفاقكم. ما دينكم،تسخرون من الناس بقصد المزاح، ولا ترون بانكم تجرحونهم

ما دينكم، تأخذون قلوبا ضعيفة، تشوهونها،تغيرون معالمها، تردونها وكأن شيئا لم يكن. وتعودون لآياتكم تكفيرا عن ذنوبكم، ويعمي النفاق ارواحكم فترون انفسكم من الاخيار والصالحين.

ما دينكم، تتكلمون في الايمان والطهارة، وحين يأتيكم جاهل طالبا العلم بكتابكم، تردونه بسخرية وبتسخيف.

ما دينكم، تغطون رؤوسكم، وتعرون أرواحا من نقائها وقلوبا من صفائها.

ما دينكم تهزؤون بكل انسان ، فقط لاختلافه عنكم. فمن انتم؟

من انتم حتى توضعوا معيارا على ميزان المقياس والمقارنة؟

ما دينكم الذي يجعل منكم كاذبين ومنافقين، تشوهون الحقائق البسيطة، تجملون واقعا مريرا، وتغطون على تفاصيل، بحجة “الطيبة”، وعدم جرح الاخرين، تاركين آثار اكاذيبكم البيضاء على طريق السواد والظلمات والشكوك.

نفاق. هذا نفاقكم. في دينكم الذي اخترتموه وحكتموه على مقياس نقصكم. ودينكم ليس من ديننا. ولا من دين المتدينين.

دينكم كلمات ترددونها، ديننا افعالنا. دينكم اخطاء انانية، ديننا اخطاء من عطاء مفرط.

دينكم صلوات ودعوات بالمغفرة لميت ، ديننا سؤال يومي عن احوال الاحياء.

امواتنا بحاجة الينا ، دائما ، كي نستحضر وجودهم، وندعي لهم بالسلام والسكون. ولكن احياءنا بحاجة الينا قبل ذلك بكثير. نحن لا زلنا احياء! ولا زال لديكم بعض من الوقت قبل ان تدعوا لنا بالمغفرة، فقبل ان تصلوا وتدعوا وتتنسكوا بكتبكم. اسألوا عن احوالنا، نحن الاحياء ، اللذين آنستنا وحشتنا. وقبل ان تدعوا الله ان يرحمنا، ارحمونا انتم ، وقبل ان تتدينوا بإلقاء صلواتكم، اجعلوا من افعالكم رسالة صلاة يتردد صداها في الأثير.

اترككم مع صورة من مغيب المدينة البشعة التي لا تعرف دينا ولا صلاة

باللبناني المشبرح…رسالة شخص لبناني ع بالو يحكي.

الحكي باللبناني. لا فصحى،ولا قواعد، ولا اعراب. ولا فعولن مفاعيلن

بيسألونا ليش منحب لبنان هالقد. بيرجعوا بيسألونا ما زال بتحبوا ليش فليتوا منو. يتبعه سؤال لو بتحبوه ليش هيك عملتوا فيه. وبتصير تجيك سلسلة من اسئلة التشكيك والاستجواب
بعدين بتسمعلك وحدية : انا كمان بحب بلدي وبشتقلو
معليش
رح وقفك هون وقلك عمول معروف لا بقا تسأل، ولا تتسائل. ولا تهونها عليي انك انت كمان مشتاق لبلدك. فهمناها هيدي. بس انت ما رح تفهم علاقتنا المعقدة بلبناننا. لذلك، الافضل بلاها هالسيرة.
الموضوع بين اللبناني ولبنان مش موضوع اشتياق. ولا موضوع قضية. ولا هو موضوع بينحل بسفرة. ولا بينحل بانتخابات

لبنان قصته قصة. ما فينا انا وانت نقعد نحللها، ونفكفك عقدها، ولا رح نلاقيلو حل اصلا لأن ما رح نعرف نلاقي المشكلة

اول مشكلة انا بقلك شو هي. انو نحنا مش بلبنان. بدايةً

ظاهريا، رح تقلي كيف ما عندكن كهرباء؟ كيف يعني ما في مي؟ كيف يعني عجقة سير ساعتين على طريق خلدة، وكيف يعني ريحة المسلخ على المطار. كيف يعني زبالة، وكيف يعني بهدلة بالمستشفيات
صحيح. معك حق . انا ما رح ناقشك. ما رح اقدر اصلا. صحيح مشاكل هودي مش مشكلة وحدة. مصايب. تعتير يعني
رح تجي تقلي حكي الاخبار الي انت بتسمعو، من قنوات التلفزة، وصولا لاصحابك اللبنانية يلي كل ما تقعد معهن بيحكوا سياسة، ورح تجي ، تعطيني حل عبقري ، وتقلي، مشكلة لبنان بتنحل بس تخلص الطائفية
بقلك شو؟
هيدي الطائفية مستوردة. نحنا، صناعتنا المحلية، بتعمل مسيحي ومسلم، يعني بيخلق عنا سني وشيعي ودرزي وماروني وارذودوكس وغيرو كتير، معناتو، فش عنا مشكلة طائفية
عنا كوكتيل بيعجب خاطرك بخليك تقعد الف سنة تحكي وتسأل وما تلاقي جواب. رح تجي تقلي المشكلة بلبنان سلاح متفلت رح قلك صح. مشكلة لما تطلع تسهر وتاكلها دكة من حيث لا تدري. هي بصراحة مش مزبوطة. مش ضروري تطلع تسهر، بس مجرد شجاعة وجرأة انك تطلع من البيت شهادة صراحة

رح تجي تقلي عنا هيك وعنا هيك. ع راسي وعيني. بس عنا يا خيي مش هيك. منيح. عنا مش هيك. ومش رح اقدر اشرحلك شو يعني “هيك” بالظبط

كيف بدنا نتفاهم اذا انت مش عارف شو يعني شعور تجي كهربة الدولة خيي.مش فاهم كمية الرفاهية الي بتصير لما اقدر دوّر القازان وبنفس الوقت نشف شعري، انسى الشعرات هودي شي “اكسترا”. بدنا ندور البراد. ونغسل هالغسيلات

شكرا، انك عم تحس معي. بس انت مش رح تقدر تحس متلي. في فرق كبير بين حاسس معي وحاسس متلي. متل الفرق بين كهربة الدولة وكهربة الموتور. بس كمان. مش رح اقدر اشرحلك

انت مش رح تفهم كيف يعني ما عنا كلنا ضمان وتأمين. ما رح تفهم شو يعني طلاع شوف الديجونتير اذا تك. ما بتعرف شو يعني فتحوا المدارس هالشهر ولا بعد؟ قالولكن ايمتا طيب او بعدهن اضراب. مش رح تفهم كيف يعني ما في بنزين. ولا رح تفهم كيف يعني صار انفجار بالمرفأ. كيف يعني صار انفجار والناس نظفت الطريق. ما رح تفهم الليرة على المنصة. وسؤال الصبحية : قديش الدولار اليوم؟ ما رح تفهم كيلو التفاح ب ٢٠٠٠ ليرة اليوم بكرة ب ٣٠،٠٠٠

مش رح تفهم شو يعني راحوا مصرياتنا بالبنك. كيف يعني راحوا. هيك. سامع قصة ذهب مع الريح؟ اي هني مش ناطرين رياح كانوا حتى. بس ذهبوا. مع مين ما منعرف. مهم ذهبوا تقاعد؟ انسى. شو يعني؟ عادي. مش رح تفهم مين هي ام كامل الي بتضلها طايرة فوق راسنا وذاكرين صوتها بالسما من وقت ما خلقنا لليوم. وقصة جدار الصوت اليومية. اي هيدي رواية كاملة بدها قعدة طويلة. قعدة ابو ٦٠ سنة

بلا مبالغة…. في قصص يمكن عندك متلها وزيادة. بس مش ضروري كبر وجعك ينقص من حجم وجعي

وجعي انا كشخص لبناني؟

انت بعمرك ما رح تفهمو. ومش مطلوب تفهمو اصلا. بس وفر علينا تحليلاتك وحلولك المقترحة. صدق انو جدي الله يرحمه،وجيله كانوا كلهن خاطر عبالهن الحلول كلها هيدي. بس صدقني ما نفعت. وما في شي منهن اصلا بيركب بمطرح. لان لبنان تحديدا، مش معروف شو هي مشكلتو. مشاكلو. عقدو انفصاماتو. جنونو. لا مش معروف. الي بقدر قلك ياه، انو شايف هالمصايب التافهة والصعبة، كلها على بعضها، ما بتخلي احساسنا يتغير لحظة. و المشكلة انو، قد ما وصلنا ببلاد الغربة، وقعدنا برخاء ورفاهية وترف. مش عم يكون في ارض تعبيلنا عيننا من بعدو هالبلد التعبان. واذا بتفتش مزبوط، بتلاقي انو اللبناني المغترب، عايش سنتو بصبر حتى ينزل بالصيفية ع لبنان. هيدا اذا ما كان عم ينزل كل ٣ اشهر حتى ياخد نفس ويرجع. هيدا البلد عقدنا

منشكي منو كتير، ومنقرف من اخبارو اوقات. بس متل الختيار بالبيت، اذا غاب، غابت البركة. قصتنا مش قصة بلد ومواطن

اللبناني عايش ببلدو كان مع كل القصص الدراماتيكية. بس كان عندو كمية حرية رهيبة. كمية حيوية ما بتنقاس لا باخبار، ولا بمصاري، ولا بسياحة. تفاصيل حياتنا اليومية يلي منعاني فيها، هي الي خلتنا نعيش

لبنان هو عبارة عن كيف نحنا عايشين، ووين، ومع مين، وكيف منتصرف كل يوم، وقصصنا وعاداتنا الي منعملها من اول ما نفيق لحد ما نقرر ننام. لان شعب بضل فايق الله وكيلك. فايق بس غافي ع قصص كتير

نوستالجيا لبنان مش كذبة ومش خيال ومش مبالغات. لبنان هو نحنا. ناسه. هيدي النوستالجيا هي لمجموعة بشر منعرفهن وما منعرفهن. وهي لجباله وبحره والوان طبيعتو الي بتفرقع يمين شمال. ما في صورة متل التانية. حتى بجغرافيته، مفصوم

نحنا منكبر بطموح انو نسافر، هالقد متعبنا هو. صدقني، ما حدا فينا بكون قايل والله بدي سافر من هالبلد واسمع فيروز عم تغني خدني على بلادي. ابدا. نحنا اذا واحد معو باسبور وقاعد بلبنان منضحك عليه، ويلي ما معو، كل افعالو بالحياة بتصب نحو هدف واحد انو يأمن حياة برا البلد. اسا رح تقلي كيف هيك وبتحبو لبنان. هو اوقات حتى ما تكره، من كتر محبتك، بتفل. دراما كتير ايه؟

السهل الممتنع

الدراما الصحيحة، انك تركض عالطيارة وتفل، وفجأة تلاقي غنية فيروز من ٥٠ سنة هي قصة حياتك اليوم. وفجأة. تفهم شو يعني عبارة “خدني على بلادي”. دخيل الله خدني

خدني ورجعني على كهربة الموتور. وعالتقنين. وعلى عجقة الكولا. وباص رقم ٤ الي كل لبنان بيعرف فيه بس نصهن مش راكبين في اصلا. رجعني ع قرف بيروت بالنهار بس جوها بمار مخايل بالليل

طائفية؟ انت طالع على مار شربل شي مرة؟ ٨٠% ما حدا مسيحي. لما توصل القصة للمعجزات، كلنا منآمن فيه. او وقت تضيق فيك الدني، وتدور هالسيارة التعبانة، وتطلع ع حريصا. واحد عم يصلب والتاني عم يقرا الفاتحة. عادي. حتى في واحد كافر قاعد بالزاوية عم يتضحك علينا بس قاعد معنا. طالعين نرتاح لان شي بكئب. ايا طائفية يا عمي. هيدي اكبر سلعة مسخرة مستوردة

لبنان قصتو قصة وحالتو حالة واللبناني على اضربين، ومش رح تفهم ولا ضروري تفهم ولا مطلوب منك تعمل شي لأن اصلا نحنا ك لبنانية مش فهمانين ولا بدنا نفهم بقا، المهم حدا يرجع هالديجونتور وخط الاشتراك ال ٥ امبير ويتك ما بأثر. مش ضروري نضوي غير الضو، ورجعولنا البنزين وما منزعل على عجقة الكولا بقا

لبنان قصتو قصة، وقصة الكنافة بكعكة قصة. وقصة البونجورين قصة، ودبس الرمان قصة. وبياختنا قصة وهبلنا قصص. بس مش رح تلاقي لبناني مش مشتاق ومحروق. مش رح تلاقي لبناني متهنّي. سافر او ما سافر ، قلبو غاصص… والي راح وأملو كبير بضل يقول بيجي يوم نرجع ع لبنان. نرجع بالجمع. هو عارف في متلو كتير عندهن نفس الحلم والأمل. هيدا كان حلم جدودنا لما كانوا يسافروا….ورثناه. ما نقينا حلم خاص فينا بعد ما صارتلنا الفرصة

هلق انت عم تقول شو خصني انا، ما خصك. انا بس عم قلك، نحنا اللبنانية. شعب متعوب عليه من نفسه وليس من نفسه. ليس الا، تركنا بحالنا بلا النصائح السياسية. مش ناقصنا. وبلا المسائلات، الي بتجرب فيها تتوصل لنتيجة انو ما منحب هالبلد. لا ما منحبو، نحنا هو وهو نحنا، وكل انسان ظالم نفسو. عادي. هو ظالمنا، ونحنا ظالمينو. بس ما حدا بحبنا قدو، ولا نحنا منحب مطرح متلو.. وبس نحنا مسموح نسبلو. انت لا. ديكتاتورية؟ لا بس نحنا الوحيدين الي عشناه وذقنا حلوه ومره والي بحقلنا نحكي. حافظين كل تفصيل وكل صغيرة وكبيرة

انت فيك تنزل لعنا، يا مية اهلا وسهلا، وجرب عيش معنا بتفاصيل حياتنا اليومية التافهة والمتخلفة. صدقني رح تحبو كأنو قطعة منك. وبعدان رح تفهم انو ما في شي مفهوم

المهم، وختاما

هيدي اهداء لكل لبناني قاعد برا وقرفان عيشتو

صدقت الي غنت “بحبك يا لبنان، يا وطني بحبك”. والله يعيننا عليك، ويعينك علينا. ويعيننا على كل غريب وقعك بالماضي ، وعم يوقعك ، وناوي يوقعك ٥٠ سنة لقدام

كم صورة حلوة لاجمل لبنان

وانتهت نشرة الدراما لليوم


How we love.

Since we can remember humanity’s existence, we can see how love has impacted every single aspect of our history. From simple art, to devastating wars.

It is against human nature to say : forget about love. It is what we are made of, and the reason we keep existing, and basically, saying such thing goes against our own survival instinct.

Love spreads its roots anywhere and to anything. From loving a person, to loving a land.

I decided to write about this today. I’ve been wondering a lot. And there will be endless generations after me, who will take on the path and keep wondering. What is love. Where does it come from.how do we know its love.how does it reveal itself.

Probably if we knew all the answers, we would have resolved so many of our own complexes so easily. So, this writing, will not lead to any definitive answer, or concrete fact.

Love is kindness, love is care, love is trust, love is gratitude, love is belongingness, love is whole, it is peace, it is help, it is mercy, love is empathy, love is a giver, love is healing,love is patient, love is colorful, love is fair. It is home, wherever it is. Love, is the one and only safety boat that would get us,fragile humans, through the stormy waves of life.

How people show love, is not bound to one way. It is how we were taught to show it. Some by being tough and strict, others by being overprotective, by giving space, by being attached, by sharing all the joys, some by hiding all the pains, by being there all the time, by caring for the tiny details of a simple daily life,some show love by hugs, by touch, some by words or even looks. There are 7 billion ways how to show love, and none of them looks like the other, but there is one concrete thing that no matter where and how and when, it is true, that love cannot be hidden, bottled up or contained. Love will always find a way, to show up uncovered, one way or the other.

I’m sure you are reading and thinking, if love is all this, why does it cause so much trouble, so much stress, so much problems.

Because expressing love is relative.

The way each one of us shows love, is the way we expect to receive it as well. And as we use our own unique styles to express what’s inside of us, we forget that love is about the receiving end, and not the one giving it. As love is not selfish,as love is empathetic, it will look to the receiver, and provide what they seek. And as we heal by healing others, our love goes from inside, to the person, adding up their love, giving it back to us, and then adding up our own love.

We fail to show our love, because we show it the way we want it, but it is actually all about the other. And for that we need a great amount of understanding. Of reading, interpreting, analyzing, and eventually, giving what the person needs. And this, is the hardest part of all. That is why, we fail in maintaining relationships. When both ends provide what is needed, there is enough clarity on the language of love. If we speak 2 different languages, and we learn how to speak both, then there is never room for things to be lost in translation, there is never room for frustration.

Understanding, is the toughest task of all. Because it requires a lot of logic, and love does not go from the logical part of the brain. But what understanding can do, goes way further than what love can do on its own. And how difficult it is to understand, when we are in the middle of our own internal struggles and pains and randomness. Humans are fragile indeed, but are very complex creatures. Till day, we are unable to resolve so many mysteries about our own nature. And we expect others to understand us, if we didn’t manage to understand our own selves.

Seems like a dead end?

Never. As long as we have our survival instinct, we will always find ways around. There is one thing we are fully in control of, and that is communication. If we try to communicate our expectations, our needs, our likes and dislikes, we pave the way for a better understanding, we give room for more inspiration, and with better understanding, well you know how it goes now…

Love is not that difficult, love is love. We make it difficult with our own actions.

With all that being said, if you are reading this and you love someone, I hope you put your ego aside, your insecurites, your lack of understanding of the other person, the ways you were shown as a kid how love should be, your fears and troubles, and simply ask the person, what can I do better to show you my love?

Leaving you with a picture of what I love the most in this world.

سلسلة اعتذارات..

لعلّ كتاباتي غمرها جو من الحزن في الفترات الاخيرة من حياتي. لعل احاديثي تسودها هالة من السواد، وربما اصبح الكثيرون يستثقِلون جَلَساتي. فطاقتي اختلفت. وأنا لم أعُد أعرفني

لم أعُد أعرفني وأصبحت الناس في حياتي تذكرني بقطعٍ من نفسي. قطعٍ ضائعةٍ مني اشتقت ان التمسها فيّ

عندما زرت لبنان في الصيف الماضي، جلست مع صديق لي من ايام الجامعة، وكان هو مقياسي لنفسي مع نفسي، كم غيّرَتْني الأيام دون ان ادرك. وَضَعْنا فناجين القهوة، وفي زحمة الدُّخانِ حولي، قال لي، “ماذا حصل لك؟ كم أنت هادئة! كانَ صوتُكِ لا يَسْتكين”. طبعاً، مرّت ٦ سنوات على تخرُّجِنا، ٦ سنوات نصفها في بيروت ونصفها في الغُربة. وما أدْراني ماذا تفعل ٦ سنواتٍ بضحكةٍ صاخبةٍ، ونفسٍ متشوقةٍ، وإنسانٍ متفائل. أمّا هو،كما هو، تغير قليل منه، تلك الطفولة عند قيادة السيارات لا زالت، لكنها تحولت لمهنة وذلك الشغف تحول لمصدر رزق. وتلك الكلمة، “هادئة”، لم أعرف وقعها على أذني. أفرح؟ هل انا نضجت؟ ام احزن؟ فقدت وهجي وشرارتي وضحكتي التي كانت تملأ كل مكان

إعْذروني، فأنا لم أَعُد أعرِفُني

إعذروا حديثي المتكرر، عن نفس القصص. ونفس الاماكن التي لا أحبها، وإعذروا حديثي المنحازَ عن وطني الصغير المدمّر، الذي رغم دماره، أُصرُّ على تجميله، فهو في غربتي عزوةٌ لي. وهو في تشريدي، مسكني، وهو في خوفي،أمانيْ. هو في خضمّ كلّ مجهولٍ، رغم تقلُّبه، يقيني

اعذروا دموعي المتكررة، على اشياء تافهة، اعذروا تطلبي، اعذروا حديثي عن نفسي وحالي اللامتناهي. اعذروا حالتي المتحولة من جنون وصخب الى هدوء وسكون سارح. اعذروا اغاني الحزينة. ولوني الرمادي الذي كأنه لا يزول عني. اعذروا تعليقاتي العميقة، وعدم تقبلي للمزاح، وعدم فهمي لأشياء كثيرة

لم اعد اعرفني. ولم يعد الكثيرون يعرفونني. الا اولئك، الذين عرفوا روحي، من هي، من كانت، ومن تكون

اشتقت لنفسي، والضحكة التي تكسر هموم جبال، وصلابة عقلي في وجه كل انكسارة. اشتقت لها

اعذروني ان اتعبتكم بكلامي، وتصرفاتي، ومشاعري المتبعثرة، المتطلبة، المتحسسة، وسلبيتي التي كانت يوما ايجابية ومصدر لتشجيع الكثيرين. اعذروني ان فقدت نفسي ولم يساعدني شيء في استعادتها. اعذروني ان لم استمع لنصائح لا تحاكي آلامي، وان كنت اشعر ان ما اشعر به اسوأ ما يكون على الرغم من صغره للكثير. اعذروني ان كانت افكاري سلبية وان كنت اشك بكل شيء. فأنا دفعت ثمن صدقي وبرائتي بانكسارات كبيرة ودموع لم ترها الا وسادتي

صدقوني، على قدر ازعاجي لكم، اني ازعجني اكثر. فأنا لا يمكنني الهروب مني… وأنا لا احب هذه النسخة عني

سنعود، عندما يحين الوقت.وعندما تطيب الجروح. وعندما تستكين الروح، وعندما تهدأ الافكار. وسنضحك، ونقف بصلابة في وجه الاحزان. اما الان، فدعونا نكون. بلا سؤال، وبلا نصائح، وبلا شيء. “هل حصل شيء” قد يكون من اكثر الأسئلة إيلاماً. حصل كل شيء….. وعلى فترات طويلة…. وها أنا هكذا الآن

لست بحاجة لشيء، ربما عزومة على فنجان قهوة، وصمت كبير. عل الله يشفع، ويرحم، وتهدأ الاحوال، واعود لصخبي، وجنوني، وصدأ ضحكتي

اشارككم صورة غالية. رأيتها في مقهى. في طيّاتها جفون تحكي الف حكاية. و تحمل الف شخص. والف ذكرى

The Unseen Postulates

I recently moved to a new flat. After 3 months of travelling, coming back to a strange city and a strange house, seems to be overwhelming.The nice thing though, is my bed has a very nice view, where I can allow the nostalgia to go and wander as it wishes.

For 2 nights, a part of a series of countless nights, I feel as I do not exist.

Loneliness is a state of being. It can exist between hundreds of people, and it can get worse when its left to its own.I am getting used to it…my loyal companion.

I pick up my phone, expecting my close beings would remember to ask, how was the first night in your new place, how did you manage to get your things, hey, I miss you, or something that would sincerely show, a genuine touch of love and care. I find my linkedin notifications instead , and try to train myself on the disappointment. And I keep telling myself the same, dont expect anyone to check up, keep opening the phone to make sure you get used to it. But again, what did we say about expectations?

Is it that, the people who bring value to our life, are actually not, and we allow them to bring the value. Is it that, those we give importance to, start subconsciously falling into a comfort zone where they take us for granted. They take our care, our existence, words, and affection, all for granted.

The effect ,one lonely night can do to a human soul, can be for indefinite future days and nights. We ourselves dont know the impact of our own solitude on our wellbeing, until later in time, when we become bit too emotional, bit too tired, and bit traumatized, that we begin to figure out, what tiny fractures loneliness did to our souls.

People are running back and forth, work, going out, family, friends, so many things. And there is always room for one person to have frozen time, where they feel nothing, see nothing, do nothing.

Dont let a close person ask for a kind word, don’t let them ask for what is known to be needed. In religion, they tell you not to let the other person ask for what they need, they tell you to bring out the empathy and expect what the person is in need of, and give it, to avoid the embarrassment of asking. Why do we do that with money, but fail to do with emotion and communication. We should not wait for the people around us to ask for our attention,we should not wait till others fall apart to give them what they might be strongly in need of. Attention, follow up, simple messages, good mornings and good afternoons, simple words of endearment, little reminders that we care even within the busiest of our days, an invite for a coffee, or maybe a walk outside, a simple hey hope you are doing well lets talk when we are both free.

What is life, without these unseen postulates of human care,and what are we if we fail to give each other these things at the time they are needed.

Leaving you a nice picture of Prague with its expectedly continuously changing weather.

Life behind expectations

It has been a while since I wrote. Many thoughts, not enough inspiration to align them. This time though, it’s expectations…

How many times have u heard or said, “don’t expect from me”?

Expectations are thoughts we get according to certain given events, facts and actions around us.

Asking this, we ask human kind to be less of its human nature. What does it mean, dont expect. We live our life, based on expectations. We expect that we will live, and based on that mere thought, all our actions and plans are oriented. And we live on this hope of our expectations. We expect to study, work, buy a house, a car, to love, have friends, give and reciprocate love. Aren’t these all expectations?

Imagine life telling you, don’t expect. And you actually do it. Then what would we be doing to ourselves.

Almost everybody shares the same notion : “stop having expectations”. How applicable is that? And if you do it, how do you actually feel?

Expectations, to me, are equations of balance. I expect to eat healthy, and have good health, and if for some reason I don’t, disappointment would happen. Expectations are motivations we carry within our hearts and minds, that allow us to live each day despite the tiredness of the one before.

I think people say don’t expect, as simple excuses to not give back what should be given. Whatever the reasons are. If we manage expectations, we can better manage the balance of relationships. If we clarify what we want, what we need, what we are able to give, and what we are aiming towards, things become just easier.

So far, I have been told I have high expectations. I cannot though,point out what “high” actually means. How can a person measure them? As this is a completely subjective experience, describing someone elses expectations as high or low, would not be fair. Yes, indeed, if we manage to live without expectations, we will live in a null zone. We wont look forward, we wont feel, we wont hope, and deffinitely won’t be able to dream. And what is life, without a bit of these random human emotions that come along.

Expectations, would not be actually called expectations, if our intentions and desires were cleared, and if we actually gave back to the people around. They would simply be called outcomes.

From the randomness of my thoughts, I share with you the dawn moon in Prague.

A simple drive…

I start typing and then I stop. Three, four times. Then I pick up the phone again. And I start a new draft. And thats the mind of a troubled human. It goes back and forth. Stops.starts again. I am in the farthest point I have ever been from home.

Today, I was waiting my uber driver, without any internet. And so I anticipated his arrival time as it showed, as I am in a new place, not so familiar with the address, we could not meet and he cancelled my ride. I started crying, again, found my soul, getting tired from such a simple thing, feeling lost, homesick, and homeless inside. After I shed few tears, I said, you are strong, no need to cry for this, just find a solution.

I went in a nearby restaurant, with hot tears in my eyes, and asked for wifi. The guys eyes showed much empathy. And he gave me a hotspot. I ordered a car again, and waited outside. A lady came out and asked me, are you okay, do you need any help? I have missed this kind of kindness from people. And I smiled, with some more tears falling as I reply, thank you I am just bit tired.But thank you for asking me.

The new driver came, and asked me how I am. First reply was Im fine. Then I shared how the first car cancelled. As my eyes watered again. He said sorry this happened to you. And then asked me where Im from.as we started speaking, he shared some Arabic words he knew. The effort put into these attempts to try and connect with a total stranger like me, are efforts I will always remember.an ex military, and police officer, who has seen countless dead bodies, gun strikes, and who has sensed the smell of death for 15 years, was trying to comfort me, with the best way he knew. I asked how it felt. How it felt to survive these pains, how it felt to go back to an “ordinary” life. “This seems like a different world to me, I have seen it behind a tv screen, and never met someone who has actually lived this” I said. “You never forget these things, you remember, but I think of all the people I helped, and that helps me” he mentioned. And he continued…” In life, you will give your energy to people, to help, and then its their job what they do with what you give”. “I am sharing this energy with you now, giving you some positivity, you take it, and give it to someone else”.

With this being said, I told him you see why my first driver, cancelled, because life wanted me to sit here and hear to this, I really needed it today”. Specifically, today, when my mind is sinking back to the darkness. Someone was sent to me, to remind me.

With this story I end today, to share more with time…

Give to someone, what you have received today. They may be, just like me, in the darkness, needing this tiny beam of light.

A long Journey with so called Depression.

I wanted to write ever since I was a young kid. I was always journaling, writing poems, letters, and short stories to express myself.

This blog was done in a midnight session, after a very critical, nerve wrecking summer. After series of heartbreaks throughout my year, disappointing people, and being let down by friends, and compatriots as well, I went through a long cycle of giving up. After long cycles of toxic years in my life, Last summer, had two main events, the best 2 months so far, and the worst months that followed.

As I look back now, I only feel gods merciful love.

I do not know how I got here, or when, all I can say is I did. I did with the love given to me by many people, the support I received verbally,mentally,financially, psychologically and all the endless hugs. The cups of coffee that followed long car rides, the endless listening provided to me, and the moments of silence shared.

I remember not being able to wake up for days, not being able to shower, to wash my dishes, to clean my flat, not even buy food. I remember crying a lot, and then long period where I couldnt shed a tear, times where I felt severe sadness, and times where I felt nothing at all.

Starting from august last year up until today, I can only look back and see a very long trail behind.

I’ve come a long long way…

Pain, has a very tricky dynamic, it comes and goes bit by bit, we barely notice the weight of it, until one day, it strikes all at once, and drowns us under crashing waves of giving up,surrendering,dispair,uselessness and grief.

Suddenly the world stops. We stop. Time stops. Our entire reality becomes so distorted, that it doesn’t seem so real anymore. And we seize to exist, emotionally, mentally and physically.

This is what we all call depression. Not a disease, nor a syndrome. It is a simple reaction to reality. The astonishment and being taken off guard all the time. The betrayal of people and life, tires our mind and feelings. That is all.

Depression, is a deep realization of the nonsense of reality, of the unfairness,and the disappointments.

I cannot say I fully healed. I have been trying , to let go, forgive and forget, myself and others. Though I have come a long way, I still feel, there are times my mind takes me back to sad incidents, and reminds me to be more careful from people. I have forgiven, but not let go. The feelings we get from situations cannot be easily overcome. The pain leaves its scar, and keeps bleeding whenever touched. But I know one thing for sure, now, I can look back and see it. I am slowly able to see, a bit further and further, how it was.

How I got here, was not done by a big magic wand. How I got here, was not one big aha moment. I got here with very little, extremely consistent tiny gestures of love. I got here with medication, I got here with a trip back home, with an everyday message of ” I don’t know how you are feeling, but if it helps, I am here to go for a walk and a cup of coffee, to talk, or be silent” , with a daily “get ready Im coming to pick you up” a daily hold by the hand to help me get out of my doorstep, a daily “you dont have to wear anything fancy, keep your pijama on, we can still go out for a ride” , some chocolates, some food brought and placed in my fridge, some washing my dishes, some “before we sit, put a batch of your laundry and we can then drink some tea”. Some “get ready we are going to Berlin, you can sleep and eat there , no need to do anything else” , some night rides with music, lots and lots of hugs, lots and lots of shared silence, lots of jokes, lots of ears given, lots of tears dried off my cheeks, gifts and gestures… messages of “i love you so much, you are my best friend”, “you are a lovely person”, “you are a blessing”… lots of covering me in a blanket waiting for me to finally sleep, combing my hair… The endless calls from my dad hearing me cry, listening to my unclear feelings, and the bravery to handle it from abroad, the trips of my mother from another continent just to help me clean my home, cook for me, and reorganize my space. The empathy I received, the acceptance, the understanding, and the unconditional support during my sinusoidal waves of emotions got me where I am today. Today, being able to smile, to laugh, to joke, to enjoy, to shower everyday, put on makeup and a nice outfit, go out, socialize, go shopping, clean my room, and have a new little target.

After a few sessions of therapy, I couldn’t go through with it, it was intense for me, and I didn’t have enough capacity, but one thing I took with me is to learn how to write again. As a way to do that, and a way to get back to what I love, and a way to share and feel useful, this blog was opened.

I can still see tiny gestures of care, when someone of my friends or family immediately reads my post, when someone shares it to their profile or when someone likes the page right after its created and many many other things. In the ” I felt what you were writing about has also passed with me” , “what you wrote took me back home” , ” I teared up while reading…”, “in the line x there is an exta point removr it”, ” you made a typo in …” ..

I have a long way ahead to heal, to mend, to help myself, to love it, care for it, and let it grow. But I am grateful, and blessed, and lucky, that I was and am so much loved, day by day, that now I can say, I see it when I look back, a very long trail, in less than a year, a long trail however, it is behind, and I am looking ahead for the path opening infront of me bringing with it a tiny light.

Where I am now, is of limited to little energy to hear other people problems, limited energy to keep connecting all the time with everyone, my focus is more narrowed, as I need to build strength and regain energy. I hope nobody would feel sad or left out. But this is something I have to do to save myself and then be able to be there for others.

To all those who were there to hold my hand, whether physically present or emotionally from afar, thank you, for being a big blessing in my life.

If you are feeling depressed, or if your loved ones suffer from depression, I hope you can see how tiny things matter, how this is a long journey, how intense feelings vary from sadness, to loneliness, anger and rage, to suddenly nothing. From wanting to talk a lot, scream, and cry, to being completely silent and not having energy to even frown or smile. From sleeping for days to not sleeping at all. From overeating to not eating at all. The phases do not come in a straight line and a chronological order, they go back and forth, up down, they sometimes occur several times and some only once. The only sure thing I can say, don’t forget those tiny gestures. Those little things that matter. Maybe not to you, but to the one in pain. Please know that a person with depression cannot take a decision, even in the tiniest of things, and even if they do, it might be completely irrational. Please keep an understanding and an open heart, and open arms, to take in someones aggressive words, passive behavior, and sad tears. Please keep those cups of tea and coffee, even if they do not want them. This is what healing is about. And a promise I make to you depressed person, it might be overwhelming now, it might be even scary the numbness you feel, your carelessness scares you, the tiredness that does not go away no matter how much you sleep, the pills you keep taking that do nothing for you, and demons in your head will tell you, you are not loved, maybe loved, but not enough, nobody knows what you are going through, nobody will understand, your life is so tiring and miserable, they might even be bold enough to tell you hey you should not be living. Believe me, “this too, shall pass”, the only thing you have to do, is say, I cannot anymore. Get a doctor’s help if needed, tell your friends, your family, get away from work, give yourself a chance to be properly depressed . You are not irrational, you are not crazy, you are not all over the place, you are not too much, you just feel sad because sad things happened to you. This completely makes sense! I promise you, you will wake up one day, and look back, just like me, and see a long trail behind, not knowing how or when it happened, only with time. Allow yourself the right of “time”. If you are a believer, keep praying, even if it seems useless at many times, if you are not, meditate, into nothing or something, or even dont. Just allow yourself the right to be fully depressed.

Do not underestimate the power of a gratitude journal infront of you, open, all the time, where you sit, and write down, anytime you have an achievement, “today I washed my laundry”,” today I took a shower”, today “I slept 20 minutes earlier than yesterday”, “today i woke up 1 hour earlier”, “today I cried”, “today I stepped outside my door”…

I will end my post today by saying, the strongest I have ever done, was admitting my own weakness.

More to come on this…

Leaving with the first picture I took, the day the journey downhill started.

A Collection of Random reflections.

First, let me start by celebrating the peace and love shared during the holy month of Ramadan. It is truly beautiful to see so much devotion to giving throughout this month…

Moving on..

1. On Pain:

An easy thing to do, is hurt others. And what is easier, is justifying our actions with our own feelings “im hurt too”. Somehow, humans have justified a new sense of fairness that if someone is hurt, they hurt others and by that it is a simple equation of balance.

It’s not fair, and its not correct. In fact, its the wrongest thing we can do, and the weakest and ugliest of all.

Instead of admiting to our pains, we go around acting tough on others who seem to be “weaker” than us. It does not necessarily mean weaker, it could be just someone who we trust won’t leave us, and someone we take for granted.

2.On strength:

When we are hurt, we dont know how to share these feelings and reach out for help. We rather think that self torture is an act of strength when in fact its the opposite. True strength occurs when one admits to their weaknesses and pains.

3.On Ripple effect

I am a strong believer of the power of ripples. There is nothing stronger than micro levels. I am hurt, I hurt you, you hurt someone else,… I am hurt, I reach out to you, you help me, someone else helps you,etc…

Ripple effects are there in our society, everyday ,everywhere, it just needs attention from us, how do we want to impact something? Do I want to start a chain of pain, or do I want to start a chain of help and support.

People usually take this for granted, and endless justifications happen, “everyone else does it”, ” how can I change anything”, “I am just one person what effect would I have”…

There is only one answer to all that : the ocean is made up of endless tiny drops of water.

Today, I will stop with these simple thoughts, just to get you thinking, and to talk about more and more in future posts.

Leaving you with an image of Vltava River with all its possible ripples.

The Distorted Images of Love.

This time Im starting with a simple question.

What is Love.

Being traumatized or manipulated by someone, eventually causes lack of trust. And when we lose trust in our close circle, we lose trust in our own self as well. And that opens up a pandora box of endless doubt and suspicion.

What I learnt after several heart breaks and disappointments, when someone hurts you, its because they are just sometimes simply bad or not capable of healthy love.

Love is simple, love is clear, love is love,it builds and doesnt know how to destroy. Those other feelings people associate with love are just several types of sicknesses manifested in possessiveness and wanting to feed the ego.

Jealousy is always human, just it doesnt go more than it should, beyond a normal childish jealousy, that is lack of trust or further trying to control the other person as if they are an object. Sometimes, jealousy is indeed caused by an untrustworthy person, or someone who is asking for attention that is not being given to them, which could be a very fair reaction to receiving lack of love. Beyond that, it means someone is molding another person into what they think is their version of partner and that is not love.

Love is not selfish it is giving, love is not letting down it is being there all the time , love is not ego it is humbled, love does not reply defensively it listens with empathy and care. Love knows how to appoligize even when it does nothing wrong. But it sits there to care and heal not wound and destroy.

Love does not ask for money, houses, gold or land. Love only asks for love in return. Love changes and molds into the best version of ourselves and not the worst. It does not push our buttons, does not cause anxiety, frustration and does not push us away. Love brings together and mends what we on our own could never mend in a lifetime.

Whatever people say, apart from that, as love, is not love at all. It is the hypocrite version of ego, a beautified version of evil, and sugarcoated phrases to cover up negative emotions.

I’ll say, love is so simple. It is black and white, it is there with its peace and truth or is not..

To those people who are incapable of love, and who keep distorting it into toxicity, leaving behind martyrs of trust issues, frustration, hatred,and passiveness, to those we should simply say we see your truth. Your truth is not love. And we shall not allow you to distort the only truth known clearly to human kind.

We are born knowing how to love, and somehow those hypocrites make us forget through time, making us think love is toxic and not real.

We lose faith along the way in our decisions, we lose confidence, we stop knowing if what we know is true or not. And sometimes the simple truth is sitting there, without excuses, without any further explanation, this is toxicity, it had never been love, and never will be. It is just so smart to hide undercover.

We cannot change people, we cannot change who they are in their core, we can only be part of their life lessons and experiences, and it is up to us, to decide, what we allow ourselves to have, and what we choose to be in control of. Who we allow in our life, and who we choose to walk away from. Who we admit to showing us what love is, and who has added up to the wounds in our souls.

For all those who give love humbly, who accept our failures, who bring us up even when we are unable to push ourselves through, who accept our insecurites as wounds and try to help us heal with their love ,those who dont deny our pains and who hold our heart with empathy. Life is great because of you.

And for those who carry their egos on their sleeves, you think you love, but thats just your ego. We feel sorry for you, as you will miss out on all the good people in life..you have no place here with us on our table.

For everyone reading out there, if you have been let down, it doesn’t mean you are blind, it doesn’t mean you should doubt yourself, it does not mean you don’t deserve to be cared for and appreciated. It simply means the wrong person came into your life, and it took time, situations, and behaviors, to realize it. And that is how we humans learn more about each other. Sometimes it takes only a moment, a month or a year, and sometimes it takes even 20 years until we reach the true core of someone. What truly matters, is what we do about it, and what we choose for ourselves after we realize this.

I have said so many goodbyes in my life, for people who have lied on big and small things. And I never regret, because when I go back I realize, these people took out the worst version of myself, the insecure, anxious and scared version, and never tried to understand it. Instead they always felt bothered and were a bit even aggressive about it.

While others with their empathy, showed me, how peaceful, blindly trusting, and forgiving I can be. Those who made me love myself a bit more everyday, because of how pure their love was and is..

Leaving you with a picture of southern Lebanon seaside which I Love💜💙

Survivors of a different kind…

As I get in touch with people, and see how they all differ. I can only see the beauty of the people around me, and how thankful I am and lucky to have people who love me, people who encourage me, who hold me when I’m down and pick me up after I fall. Those who witness life hurting you, and try to make it better. Those who witness others hurting you, and make sure you know how special you are.

We underestimate the value of our close support group, those who encourage us to be outside our comfort zone. Those who despite all the pain of change, are there to keep motivating us and reminding us that change is always painful yet we are brave to go through it.

I remember times in Prague, when I would feel I want to quit everything and go back home. To the problems I am used to, and to the joys that I know. It’s like talking to an ex even if they are toxic , but just because you want to spare the loneliness.

Those moments of change and transformation are usually full of pain and continuous wars, between what we are used to and what we aspire to have. And between those two worlds, our weaknesses arise, we go back to find ourselves again pushing forward, until we fully heal, fully transform, fully adapt, and get ready to move on to what we wish and deserve.

Transformations in relationships are usually tough, we know we are in the wrong place, we know its toxic, yet somehow we lack the power to step away. It is like being injured during a war, and realizing the threat yet not being able to move. Imagine how much anxiety and trauma this would cause, yet only to realize later, throughout our lives, we are horoes of survival, and heroes of transformation.

I can see many things happening around, all the things people are trying to get ready to face. We are not ready to face change, we are not ready for breakups, we are not ready for death, we are not ready for whatever that is coming next. Yet, we can never be ready, and it only takes a leap of faith to step forward, a bit of courage, and trust that no matter what comes we are strong enough, and we have enough love around us to help us through whatever things coming our way.

I can see myself, in the middle of all this world’s chaos, sitting aside, watching it, watching the hatred, watching the hypocrisy, watching mean people, and being away from all of it, in my own world, between people of my own kind, and thinking how grateful I am to have at least 10 people whose presence in life, makes it worth a while, and whose own nature, makes me believe there is some super extra strength that lets them be so kind and pure. In the middle of all of this, some chose not to change, and chose to save their goodness despite all toxicity and all surrounding evils. Those are the survivors of this troublesome life.

To the close friends who read this, thank you for being who you are, every single one of you, and for being strong enough to stay warm and kind. And for everyone else, I hope you are always strong to overcome change when its for the better , and to keep alive all the good things inside of you.

Leaving you with a picture taken during transformation times…

Which Road to take?

It sure happened to you many times that someone asked what do you want to eat, and you simply couldn’t decide!

How do we make decisions?

Its very easy when you are asked, do you like the beach or the mountain, the summer or the winter, purple or blue. We know what our emotions incline towards, and we understand our brain responses to things and people that make us feel good.

But what about those rational decisions.

For the past weeks I have been trying to get myself to decide certain things regarding my life, career, personal development and many things which I and every other human are always concerned about.

I notice that as I grow, decision making process becomes slower and harder.

I can even say that 3 years ago when I took the decision to move to prague, I didn’t even think about it and I just went for it.

How can you weigh things? Even when you make pros and cons list, there is this final decision where you need to choose one thing over the other. Career over happiness, mental well being over finance, safety over staying at home and so on.

Its like they always say, you can’t compare apples and oranges. Some decisions are not as simple, some have different criteria and then we are stuck weighing what is most important for me, what will do me good now, what will serve my future well being, and at that point, many contradictions arise.

Choices choices choices.

It’s simply unfair from life to keep asking us to choose between things that we love, things that we need, and things that all matter.

How do you choose when you get 2 good offers at 2 different companies yet equally reputable. How do you choose where to live between 2 houses, 2 countries and many other things.

What about, when you have a great career shift or promotion being offered at the other side of the world. Do you choose to go for it, giving up your family, friends and well being, in exchange of a “living”. At that point, what is a living can you say? Or do you choose to stay, being happy and content with what you already have in hand.

Would you choose, or would you let life choose things for you?

Leaving you a picture of just one clear road where there is no confusion what so ever.